Mars versus Venus

A simple illustration of one of the fundamental differences between boys and girls.

When a girl wants to look nice, it goes a little something like this:

A boy cannot comprehend any reason to look nice. It simply doesn't compute. Let's be honest, even hygiene can be a bit tricky for the average young male to grasp, let alone style.

But dressing up? This is their version:
Any questions?

Never Poke a Sleeping Bear

You know the phrase, "So-and-so is a mean drunk," right?

Well, have you ever heard the phrase, "The Husband So-and-so is a mean sleep?"

Someone I know is a mean sleep. This someone is kind, attentive, thoughtful, and loving.

As long as he is awake.

But when he is deep in the throws of REM, there is a whole other side of his personality that comes out. The first time it happened was near the end of my first pregnancy. It was smack dab in the middle of a bitter Minnesota winter. I was sicker than a dog, and unable to take any medication (due to the pregnancy, and our desire to not have our child born with a third nipple or horns on his head. Because that's what they tell you will happen if you take anything resembling medication while pregnant, you know).

So, one night at about three in the morning, I started coughing.

And coughing.

And coughing. (I don't deny it was annoying.) But this certain someone sits up, shoves me to the very edge of our bed and yells, "KNOCK IT OFF!"

I, of course, immediately curled up in the fetal position and spent the next several hours crying, imagining my impending divorce, and wondering how I would raise my newborn baby all by myself.

And when the sun came up? Mr. I-Have-Rage-When-I-Sleep had no memory of his bad behavior. He was oblivious to the hurt feelings and wounded heart that I had nursed all night. He simply didn't remember. And he felt horrible when he found out.

Over the years, I've been unable to break him of this annoyingly bad habit. Most times, it's merely mumbling and cursing under his breath if something wakes him up unexpectedly. But the latest installment happened a few nights ago. The Husband had fallen asleep in the basement while watching TV. I gently shook his shoulder and asked him (in my sweetest voice, mind you) if he wouldn't like to come upstairs and sleep in his own bed.

He looks at me in a daze, starts grumbling, and says, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

Now.

If I were new to the whole angry sleep thing, I might have been offended. And sad. And ready to call Sleeping Rage-A-Holics Anonymous. But you know what I did? I smiled, laughed, and left him to sleep - alone on the couch, all night.

Because that crook he'll feel in his neck the next morning?

Totally serves him right.

A sign they're returning to life

Look what I found on the kitchen table this morning:

It leads me to wonder just what the poor little thing could have done to make the soldiers so angry? Probably had the audacity to exist, that's what. You know how princesses are always flagrantly committing that crime.

Luckily, I dismantled the firing squad before Hannah was aware of the harm being done to her beloved Princess Polly Pocket.

I am considering showing her the picture and then helping her dress all their toy soldiers up in Barbie clothes.

Think it's too much for a Monday morning?

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

"Been away...now I'm back!"

(Is it scary that I can relate to this a little bit after last week?)

Okay, okay. I promise to stop whining about the sick kids. I believe I have finally left the trail of apologies and vomit behind me. Regular, boring, everyday life posts will now commence.

Now I've got you wishing for the vacation again, haven't I?

Wait. Don't answer that.

If I had a crystal ball

If I had a crystal ball (which, at this point, I might consider selling my soul to Satan for one), I would have been able to save myself quite a bit of anxiety and frustration on this little vacation of ours (which, by the way, is still going strong tripping along pathetically).

There are so many things that I wish I could have known. So much might have been different.

If I had a crystal ball, I would have been able to see that two days after arriving in Utah, Hannah would come down with strep throat. I would have seen that Utah is a one-horse town when it comes to health plans, and even though my insurance is perfectly willing to pay them, the urgent care clinic will refuse to bill on my behalf. I would have saved myself the headache and just paid the $250 they wanted in cash, rather than spending three hours in search of a doctor that WOULD bill our insurance.

I would also have been a little more insistent in not letting her play with her cousins, and making her get some rest. Even if she said she felt fine.

If I had done that, then maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have GOTTEN STREP AGAIN.

Yes, I know.

And maybe if we'd known, she wouldn't have thrown up all over my mother-in-law's floor in the middle of the night, a mere 12 hours after the Husband and I left for San Diego (or at least Oma would have had that bowl ready). And then maybe she wouldn't have laid around feverish and pukey at my mother's house for the next two days - contagious, and spreading her germs like wildfire.

And if I had that crystal ball, I might not have had to leave my gorgeous five-star resort in San Diego to come home a day early. It certainly would have predicted that I'd be spending the night on my mother's couch, next to Chase and Hannah, waking up groggily to the sound of their coughs, feverish chills, and sprints to the bathroom.

The crystal ball would have told me that THEY BOTH HAD STREP, and advised me to take the third child to the clinic at the same time as the other two, even though he seemingly had no symptoms. It would have also told me that at the EXACT MINUTE I get home from the two-hour wait at the urgent care with Chase and Hannah, poor McKay would be moaning, groaning, and complaining of the same symptoms as the others.

And that second trip BACK to the urgent care? It would have been nice to know that once we waited for another two hours, his strep test was going to still come back negative.

And then, two days later, after McKay has rebounded, he would wake up at four in the morning, puking his guts out. Yes, in hindsight, it would have been nice to foresee that.

You know, at the very least, for my brother Craig, who was generously chaperoning the cousin sleepover in the backyard tent.

I'll bet he would have liked the warning to move his sleeping bag out of the way.

I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

So yesterday, as I was hauling McKay into a doctor's office for what would be our FIFTH clinic visit during this supposed vacation, I find myself pining and wishing for that crystal ball.

Because, armed with the knowledge of what this trip would turn into, I just might have jumped on the nearest train.

And never even looked back.

Wait...is it still to late to do that?

Giving Answers

Remember that true/false quiz I did like a million days ago? Well, I finally have found a winner.

And I must say that you interpeeps know me a little better than I had thought. I cannot believe how close the results were. It took forever to find out who won because, as Andrea predicted, I sat here like a teacher grading papers for hours.

I'm such an idiot. Whatever.

But we do have a winner...CJ the Purple Diva got the most correct - 14 out of 15 right. Pretty impressive considering she's never even met me in real life.

Ready for the answers?

1. True - I was writing from my bed while chowing down on some delicious room service pancakes. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

2. True - I have read six books so far. Comes with the territory of 9,305 hours in the car, I guess. The books are: Austinland, The Last Lecture, The Birth of Venus, The Wednesday Letters, Everyone Worth Knowing, and The Second Coming of Lucy Hatch. If I was worth my salt, I'd link to all those for you, but I'm just not up to it today.

3. True - I have hardly exercised at all. And do I care? HELL TO THE NO.

4. False - I did NOT do the zip line, alpine coaster, or alpine slide. I am a big fraidy cat, and my children were sure to mention this. Out loud. Multiple times. For everyone within a 60-mile radius to hear.

5. True - I did sit by a blind man at the airport and watched in amazement as he pulled out his laptop and proceeded to work. It was very cool - he had a microphone and headset that enabled him to navigate through his whole system. The only thing he was missing was a privacy shield so people like me didn't sit there and stare at what he was typing.

6. False - I was not hit on, by either handicapped or otherwise. Thanks for the flattery though, friends.

7. False - Me, not buy something new? Are you kidding me? Hello! I practically asked the ladies at the Coach outlet store to marry me, I was that much in love with the wares they were peddling. Yes, shopping has taken place. Way too much shopping.

8. True - We are calling this the vacation of the sick kids. More on that later, when I stop rocking in the fetal position long enough to share the stories with you.

9. True - I did go white water rafting, and I did not fall in. It was actually quite fun.

10. True - The seat belt. Yes. This is an incident we are trying not to speak of. Ever again. Let's just say that Hannah had entangled herself beyond my ability to get her out, I panicked, and I cut her out.

11. False - The Husband was NOT PLEASED in the least that this had happened. He may or may not have wished it was my neck choking once he saw the damage done to the car. Let's just say he was not a happy camper.

12. True or False - I gave you all credit for this one. I did order a virgin pina colada, it came as I intended, and I drank it. Disappointing, I know.

13. True or False - I also gave you credit for this one, as well. I did force the Husband (against his will) to get a pedicure. He did not like it. I think he must not have one lick of good sense. Who doesn't like a pedicure? People who think cars need seat belts, that's who.

14. False - I have religiously applied sunscreen. These freckles do not need any more of an opportunity to multiply. They're doing that just fine on their own.

15. True - I had not done any blog reading up until that point. Haven't done much since, but that's a story for later.

Thanks for playing! CJ, send me your address and a good mail package will be coming your way.