Note to self

When deciding to re-read a certain shameful teen vampire series that rhymes with Mylight, it is wise to not start book four at nine-thirty in the evening.

For, you see, three-fifteen in the a.m. will roll around before you know it, and you will have found yourself unable to put the book down due to the freak show that rhymes with Fenesmee.

And when that six o'clock alarm starts chirping, and you have to drag your exhausted self out of bed, your eyelids unable to support their own weight, you will realize that it was most definitely not worth it.

(Except for the parts about that wild and delicious honeymoon with someone whose name rhymes with Bedward. Mmmm....)

There. That is all.

Having my cake and eating it, too

On a post I wrote a few days ago, Calibosmom left me a comment that really got me thinking.

She wondered if it would be possible to have James Bond AND the chocolate cake together in one place.

I figured that was the epitome of having your cake and eating it, too. Which I am most fond of in any way, shape, or form.

So, I rolled over and asked James what he thought. This was his response:

Which we did.

After we burned down a hotel in the desert, and saved the water supply for Bolivian villages everywhere, of course. We spent a lovely few weeks on his yacht and private island together. He had called in sick to his boss, M, which basically left the entire world unprotected.

I didn't mind, though.

Because, as James said, I was looking a little too thin. What with four days of thanksgiving food fully packed with butter and sugar. I needed some tending to, you know, me practically wasting away and all.

But, alas, I had to leave James and go on a series of press junkets for my other movie.

Yes, it's been a busy year for the little Stie.
I know a lot of you didn't like it. But hopefully the next ones will be better for you. We're hoping to have a lot more money this time, and actually be able to pay someone to do our makeup. We had to do a bit of it ourselves, as you can see. But it's been great to be here with Edward. He doesn't like to let me leave his side for a moment. If I'm not right there with him, he sneaks into my bedroom at night and watches me sleep.

Which is not at all creepy. Or stalkerish.

Finally, after all my press conferences, interviews, and parties were over, I flew home to be with my one and only true love:

He missed me a lot.

Don't we make a handsome couple?

We get that all the time.

I know you're totally jealous. Don't be stealing my imaginary boyfriends now. As you can clearly see, they belong to me.

A plea, in spite of myself

Tomorrow, the fourth installment of my Edward fix the Bella/Edward/Jacob saga will be released. And you know that because, like me, you, too, have shred every ounce of dignity and self-respect by caving into the mania that is the Twilight series.

I wanted to NOT like these books. Really, I did.

I tend to want to buck trends simply out of spite. I don't like to do something, just because everyone else is doing it or saying that I should.

I resisted reading even the back cover of the first one until well after the first three had been published and were dominating all the best seller lists. I listened to friends prattle on about how romantic they were, how lovely Edward was, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

And teen fiction?

I wasn't reading that when I was a teen.

But Ms. Meyers has created another tragic, haunting hero that I have grudgingly put on the mental boyfriend shelf next to Heathcliff, Mr. Darcy, Edward Ferrars, and Atticus Finch (come on, you know you all want him, too).

Edward (in spite of the fact that he's a blood-sucking vampire) has become a household name at women's gatherings. We talk of him, we dream of him, and some women out there even make shirts, plastering his name across their chests. In my grown-up, semi-responsible mother world, I have never seen anything like this. It feels like the Beatlemania of our housewife generation.

And here is where I make a solemn plea to our dear Ms. Meyers.

Tomorrow, I will pick my copy up, bright and early at the bookstore. I will most likely spend a couple of days ignoring my family while reading this new book. But should I get to the end and find that Jacob The Dog wins, I will be seriously ticked off that I wasted any time on these books at all.

You did not suck me into this teen crap to leave our darling boy alone for all eternity. Do not go for an ending with controversy, as some authors are prone to do. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT ALREADY. Have him suck the life out of her, turn her into one like him, and let them spend eternity hunting mountain lions together, as two perfectly beautiful stone-cold vampires.

[Oh, geez. Tell me I did not just write that last sentence. I really need help, as do all of you, vehemently nodding your heads in agreement while reading this in your "I heart Edward" t-shirt. Come on, you know who you are.]

But seriously. If it doesn't end well, I be one unhappy mama.

Please let it end well.

You give me THIS for Edward? Really?

While I realize that Twilight might not be everyone's cup of tea, I enjoyed it immensely. Ever since I got sucked into the series this summer, I have been dreaming of the perfection that is Edward being played out on the big screen. Bridget first alerted me to this breaking news, and I had to have a debate of my own. Robert Pattinson has been cast as Edward (you may know him as Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter).

What do we think?
I have to say that as of right now, I'm not feeling it. I have no doubt that a good make-up artist, several thousand hours in the gym, and a brow wax would help, but I did picture Edward a bit more dashing than this Mr. Patterson. I will reserve the final judgement to when I see him in the movie, but I am cautiously disappointed myself.

For Bella, they have cast Kristen Stewart (who is the Meg Ryan lookalike in In the Land of Women). Here's hoping she's less annoying onscreen than Bella was in the book. I so wanted to drop-kick that girl until she got some sense knocked into her stupid head.

So what do you think?

And yes, I know these are teen books.

And no, I don't care.

I liked 'em.

Discuss.