Flirting over the canned peas and macaroni

Today I was strolling up and down the aisles of my local grocery store. I kept meeting the same person in the middle of each aisle. Every time I passed this man, he smiled up and me and said, "Hello, pretty lady."

Which, thanks to my most thoughtful son telling me all that is wrong with my fine self, I was needing today.

With each passing aisle, and each passing compliment, my self-esteem soared. See, McKay, SEE? Strangers tell me I'm pretty. I can't be ALL THAT bad.

But our little game ended when I heard him say the exact same thing to another store patron. Sadly, it was not a trim, cute soccer mom that drew his attentions away from me. It was a balding, elderly man wearing a pink shirt.

Next time our carts passed, I eyed him more carefully.

He is mentally challenged.

And I, unfortunately, am still ugly.

Is it possible that I'm not as attractive as I think I am?

McKay (or who shall now be called the Son Who Gets Cut Out of the Will) asked me what appeared to be a purely philosophical question yesterday.

"Mama, if you could change anything about the way you look, what would it be?"

I was thoughtful for a moment and then said, "I'd probably get rid of all my freckles."

His face scrunched up in a REALLY, THAT'S IT? kind of look. I took a deep breath and asked him the question that sends men everywhere running for cover: "WHY, what do you think I should change about my looks?"

And he answered me, internets. He actually answered THAT question.

"Well, I'd make your eyes bigger. And your nose smaller. And your ears bigger. And you have too many freckles on your neck. And maybe you could have better hair."

Umm, yeah.

Clearly, he has not yet learned that when a woman asks ANYTHING about her looks, size, face, hair, clothes, eyebrows, muffin top, weight, freckles, or pinkie toe, you reply with, "Why no, honey, you're perfect just the way you are."

Because I am, you know.

And there's nothing like a nine-year-old boy to make you suddenly so insecure. Do I have a big nose? Are my eyes small and squinty? Are my ears too small? Can ears be too small? Yes, I know the freckles are a problem. But my hair? Is it really that bad? What else is wrong with me? And look, LOOK, at my behind. It's HUGE. I'm like a tank walking around with all this girth. And all this flab around my waist? I'm like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. And what about my feet. I have horrible feet. And I hate my eyelashes. They're so ugly. Why do I have to have these bird-like arms? I hate my mouth, too. I'm a freaky, mutant animal, I tell you. THAT'S WHAT I AM - AN ANIMAL. I'm hideous. Look away, lest I burn your retinas with my Quasimodo-esque face. I'm SO UGLY!

After my womanly tirade is over, The Husband sighs, looks up from his football game, and calmly replies in that Pavlovian way all husbands should, "Nah, you're perfect just the way you are."

He at least was brought up right. Can't say as much for his son.

What not to use for a belly ache

So I'm back. Survived the visit from both in-laws and parents. Did more than survive, actually. Had a great time. My kids have some pretty great grandparents. Missed my little bloggy world though.

One night this week, my mother-in-law and I are chatting on the couch. Hannah comes in, moaning that she has a tummy ache. We had just eaten at the World's Largest Chinese Buffet, and truth be told, I had a tummy ache, too. Being the excellent, lazy mother that I am, I sent her up to retrieve a bottle of Tums. I describe it to Hannah as "That thing you always think is candy and I never let you have? Go get that."

She is upstairs rummaging for a few minutes and comes down empty-handed. She just can't find it. She asks what letter it starts with. I tell her it has a big T on it. So she heads upstairs again.

Then, she comes downstairs with the biggest box of this you can buy:

"Is this it, Mama?"

That does start with a T.

And it may be until she actually needs one of those herself before she forgives me for laughing so hard.

Belated swap thanks

I have been at least a month overdue in thanking Nicole, my swap partner, for the fantastic package she put in the post for me. If you don't know her already, please stop by her blog. It is like thumbing through the pages of Blueprint or Domino. She is an amazing photographer. Her pictures are just gorgeous. She is even offering photography classes, and I pout every time I read about them because I live too far away to go. I am so glad I got to meet her. Please pop over and give her a look. She's a doll. And a keeper. Thanks, Nicole!

mission accomplished - sort of

So here is the revised list of what I actually accomplished yesterday. Be impressed. Be VERY impressed:

1. Grocery shopping? Done. Cupboards full of chips, cookies, M&Ms, and baby cokes for Oma. Because nothing says Welcome to my Home! like a whole lot of carbs, sugar, and fat.
2. Guest bathroom? Painted, towels hung. Dum dum still being cursed.
3. House? As clean as it's gonna get.
4. Dehumidifier and fan? No longer using up eleventy billion kilowatts of electricity in my house.
5. Husband's Playboys? Hidden. [STILL KIDDING!]
6. Rock hard Cub Scout patches? Sewn on. Skin on fingers no longer intact though.
7. Pack meeting? Attended.
8. 15 pounds? Still with me, give or take. Crap.
9. Federal Disaster Areas? Spotless (and outside garbage can at least three bags fuller).
10. Toothpaste? Removed from ceiling. Lecture about proper brushing techniques given.
11. Haircut for me? Negative. Still looking very scarecrow-ish. Made the right choice and refused Super Cuts' fine offer to help with my scarecrow status. Tempting, yes. But will wait for proper salon, thank you very much.
12. Axl Rose to Brad Pitt makeover for the boys at Super Cuts? Check.
13. Laundry? Folded and put away.
14. Nap? Not taken. Sleep last night? VERY, VERY little. (Hence the long list of accomlishments.)
15. Pedicure? Negative. Sigh.
16. Blog reading? A little. Because it's all about priorities, you know, Daniel.
17. Phone gossipping and scrapbooking? It'll have to wait until next week.

Thanks for all your kind wishes, Internets. Now all we have to do is have fun with the grandparents and find something great to show them here in St. Louis.

It may have been easier to finish my to-do list. We're not in San Diego anymore, Toto.

To do or not to do, that is the question

My parents are flying in tomorrow, followed by The Husband's parents on Thursday. Here is a list of things that I need to do right now:

1. Go to the grocery store so my mother does not see the sorry state of my cupboards and think we are starving.
2. Prime the downstairs guest bathroom wall (for which I am still cursing Dum-Dum).
3. Paint the downstairs guest bathroom.
4. Hang adorable towel hooks on the wall in the downstairs guest bathroom.
5. Clean the entire house top to bottom so my mother will not think that I am a slob.
6. Call Service Master to come get massive dehumidifier and fan that are here as a result of this. Which turned out to be a minimal leak, caught early, and not worth committing suicide over (as I had momentarily considered).
7. Hide The Husband's enormous stack of Playboys. [KIDDING, people, KIDDING.]
8. Sew rock-hard Cub Scout patches onto Chase's shirt for pack meeting tonight.
9. Run to Sam's Club and buy a long list of paper goods I am assigned to bring for pack meeting tonight.
10. Actually take a shower and get out of ugly sweat pants less I embarrass the poor princess at the bus stop yet again.
11. Lose those 15 pounds I've been meaning to get rid of. You know, by tomorrow.
12. Find something fabulous to cook for everyone. Ideas??
13. Clean and organize the Federal Disaster Areas in our home, otherwise known as the children's closets.
14. Wipe toothpaste off of every surface in the kids' bathroom. (How do they get it on the ceiling? What are they doing in there?)
15. Get a haircut so that I look less like a scarecrow and more like Angelina Jolie.
16. Take the boys for haircuts so they look less like Axl Rose and more like Brad Pitt.
17. Finish washing 19 loads of laundry.
18. Actually fold and put away said laundry.

What I really want to do:

1. Take a nap.
2. Get a pedicure.
3. Read blogs until I go blind.
4. Read US Weekly cover-to-cover (might have to find a braille copy if I succeed with number three).
5. Order take-out.
6. Fake sick and force The Husband to take the kids to pack meeting.
7. Pay someone to clean the house and do all the laundry.
8. Drink diet coke and eat cookie dough.
9. Do number eight and still find a way to lose those 15 pounds by tomorrow.
10. Go to the mall and buy myself lots of stuff.
11. Chat on the phone for hours and gossip about Brangelina.
12. Lock myself in my studio and scrapbook.
13. Go to the store and buy myself lots of scrapbook stuff.

I would safely say that probably three or four things will probably get done on each list.

Which things and which list? Can't say just yet. We'll find out tomorrow.