My favorite google searches

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One of the coolest things about having a site meter (besides spying on all those lurkers who read my blog and never comment, HINT! HINT!) is being able to see what people are googling when they accidentally stumble my way.

I am pretty certain that when you type "Favorite things in the dark," you most definitely do not intend to read about my ramblings on such intellectually stimulating topics as pee, childbirth, and freckles. Okay. So I've never actually posted about pee. Or childbirth. But I could. I really could. I've got lots to say on those subjects if I wanted to.

But I won't.

Here are a few of my favorite Google searches. May you crazy people eventually find what you're looking for:

"Is it possible to make your eyeballs look bigger?" Oh, I sure hope not. But in this wacky world of ours, nothing would surprise me. It may be an untapped corner of the market for brave plastic surgeons. Don't be surprised when we see Dr. Rey doing one of these. This could be the before and after:




"Favorite things for old people." I get a lot of "favorite things for..." queries due to my title. I'd be interested in favorite things for old people, too. Any geriatric readers out there that can enlighten the rest of us? Depends? Blue hair dye? Denture adhesive? Polyester pants that go up to your armpits? No?

"My favorite vacation long paper." Can't you just picture some high school kid somewhere googling to find a paper he can steal on HIS favorite vacation, that was of course written by someone else. It made me laugh. Wonder what he thought when he pulled up pictures of my kids instead. Hee hee. Served you right, cheater.

"Who said you get them piping hot after 4 a.m." I don't even want to know what someone is looking to get piping hot after 4 a.m. All I know for sure is that Satan comes out after midnight. The Sunday School teachers told me. And I believe them.

"Least favorite thing about a bathroom." I can safely say that just BEING in the bathroom is my least favorite thing about a bathroom. But maybe that's just me. Maybe there are people who enjoy spending a lot of time there and have favorite things about the experience. Daniel? This one seems right up your alley. Do share. Actually, don't. Never mind.

"Is it possible that I'm not as attractive as I think I am?" Yes. It's not only possible, but it's a fact. You ARE ugly. Accept it, as I have, and move on.

"Hannah's world." I live in Hannah's world and I'm always looking for ways to get out of it. It's not very fun to be bossed around by a five-year-old that thinks one should always wear pink lace dresses and tiaras when out-and-about on the town. Even if one is almost 34.

"Scrapbook divorced dads." Yes, a scrapbook about divorced dads would indeed be a treasure. Provocraft - here's a new angle you might have missed in the scrapbooking product line.

"Things to do with your kids on a Sunday afternoon." How about declaring martial law, sticking them in front of a movie, and taking a four-hour nap? It ALWAYS works out well for me. I even find it useful on other days of the week. Like Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And Wednesdays and Friday, too.

And my absolute favorite (which, oddly, has come up several different times) is:

"Martha Stewart naked."

Yes. Really.

Help me understand, internets, why ANYONE on god's green earth would want to see M.S. naked? Seriously? I guess there's all kinds out there.

And now they've been led to me. Awesome.

A simple math equation

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What do you get when you add one rope + one large tree in the backyard + one gorgeous fall day + The Husband's ingenuity?

The answer? You get this, our new favorite toy:



Here's to simple, old fashioned things that keep them outside and away from the television. I am LOVING this. They're loving it, too. So much so that I find them out there at 6:30 in the morning, still in their PJs, gloves on their hands, swinging away.

Now THIS is a good thing.

The spookiest thing roaming the neighborhood this year

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Have a happy eat-candy-until-you-purge day. Best wishes from a Swat Team Leader:

A Marine:


And Belle (I was so happy she didn't want to be Sleeping Beauty for the fourth year in a row. Progress, people!)

This year, I was going to dress up as a slightly fat, neurotic, mother of three who spends countless hours blogging, never cooks, and who is always looking for new ways to spend her husband's hard-earned money.

I couldn't find that costume at Party City, but found it when I looked in the mirror.

I think my costume will be the scariest.

So there, Dan

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My brother, Dan, likes to make fun of me. A lot. And I LIVE to make fun of him. It's kind of our little thing. We have years of inside jokes that can sometimes be misconstrued here on the interweb. And his mockery is done with such voracity that my poor mother-in-law worried for weeks about the horrid comments being left on my blog by what she thought was her son-in-law. She was quite relieved to know that her daughter's husband doesn't call me a slut. Understandably so.

Well, I begged and pleaded for him to start a blog, which he has not updated since he began it in JULY. And thanks to my new friend lainakay at Goodness Gracious, I now have another REAL blog award to throw in the face of Daniel (who thinks he's cool for making up awards for his non-existent blogging).

So there, Daniel. I'm awesome; you're not. The internet says so. PPBBBEEWWWWWFFFFTTT (big raspberry from me to you).

P.S. Thanks, lainakay. You had NO IDEA what you were getting into, did you?

The many sides of Stie

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As a wife, mother, sister, friend, den leader, neighbor, and more, I sometimes find it hard to define myself into just one particular category. I wear so many different hats, and find myself playing many roles. I am unable to find one nice, compartmentalized way to describe myself, so I thought I'd introduce you to all the many sides of Stie. Here are a few:

First, there is Mom Stie. Which actually can be broken further down into Angry Mom Stie, Nice Mom Stie, Teaching Mom Stie, Nurse/Cook/Chauffeur Mom Stie. You get the gist. But if you average all those Sties together, you get Mom Stie. Mom Stie loves her job. She really does. Even when she complains about it on the really bad days. Mom Stie cannot stand how fast her babies are growing up, yet she is so excited to see the little people they are becoming. Mom Stie relishes this job. She feels that finally, here is a job she is actually good at. She can nurse a bleeding cut, help with a homework project, tie a shoe, make dinner, answer the phone, paint a wall, and blog - ALMOST ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Next we have Wife Stie. She's pretty nice, too, most of the time. She tries to be supportive to a really great guy who works hard knowing she is at home, eating chocolate and blogging. She adores her husband and wonders all the time why he likes her. Both Wife and Mom Stie are very organized. They wrote the book on OCD. And even though Wife Stie has very limited abilities when it comes to cooking meat, she does make a mean cheesecake. Which makes it easy for her husband forget that his meat was dry, his vegetables were limp, and his pasta overcooked. Wife Stie is pretty handy to have around.

Then there's Morning Stie. She would be a much nicer person if she didn't have to make an appearance before seven a.m. When she's roused from deep sleep and the clock says six-anything (even six fifty-nine), she's a very unhappy camper. The best thing to do when you see her is eat your waffles quietly and not ask her to do anything. She will slowly vacate the premises when handed a diet coke, so that is your best strategy if you ever meet up with her.

Then there's Mean Stie. Trust me when I tell you, you don't want to mess with her. She only comes out when any form of Stie or her children have been trampled on. She is pretty spiteful, so we try to keep her locked up as much as possible. She's not very fun at parties. And she's actually really ugly. She frightens small children and old people.

Next we have Sexy Stie. She is really more of a smoke-screen persona - an illusion that Realistic Stie likes to create now and then. She struts her stuff all fancy-like at the grocery store and then Realistic Stie notices that she forgot to put on something critical like mascara or deodorant. Sexy Stie then goes away for a very long time.

One of my favorites is Late-Night Stie. She is the no-holds-barred, laugh until you pee kind of girl. She generally only makes appearances when it's late at night and Proper Stie has gone to bed. She is bawdy, loud, and thinks of herself as being quite funny. She oftentimes cannot stop laughing at any and all activity around her. Some people don't like Late-Night Stie. I do. I wish she came over more often.

There IS a Spiritual Stie (believe it or not). She is the quiet whispering voice in all the other Sties' ears. Occasionally, outside events will bring her out, but it generally takes quite a bit of coaxing. She has a mild touch of agoraphobia. She doesn't like to wear her personality on her sleeve, unlike alot of the other Sties. She's working on overcoming her shyness and trying to make more public appearances. But it's hard for her sometimes.

The Stie that does appear most often is Regular Stie. She loves her kids and husband, and quite cheerfully takes care of their needs. She is friendly, and eager to get together with girlfriends. She likes to read, blog, and scrapbook. She's pretty balanced, and is almost always in a good mood. She does have a problem with the chocolate though, which we're working on.

After this week is over. I promise.

So that's me in a nutshell (operative word being shell, not case). Who are you? Please do share all the parts that make up your personality (I know there has be to many). I'd love to find out that I'm not the only one who is mildly schizophrenic.

And so would I.

And I.

And I.

Me, too.