My favorite google searches

One of the coolest things about having a site meter (besides spying on all those lurkers who read my blog and never comment, HINT! HINT!) is being able to see what people are googling when they accidentally stumble my way.

I am pretty certain that when you type "Favorite things in the dark," you most definitely do not intend to read about my ramblings on such intellectually stimulating topics as pee, childbirth, and freckles. Okay. So I've never actually posted about pee. Or childbirth. But I could. I really could. I've got lots to say on those subjects if I wanted to.

But I won't.

Here are a few of my favorite Google searches. May you crazy people eventually find what you're looking for:

"Is it possible to make your eyeballs look bigger?" Oh, I sure hope not. But in this wacky world of ours, nothing would surprise me. It may be an untapped corner of the market for brave plastic surgeons. Don't be surprised when we see Dr. Rey doing one of these. This could be the before and after:

"Favorite things for old people." I get a lot of "favorite things for..." queries due to my title. I'd be interested in favorite things for old people, too. Any geriatric readers out there that can enlighten the rest of us? Depends? Blue hair dye? Denture adhesive? Polyester pants that go up to your armpits? No?

"My favorite vacation long paper." Can't you just picture some high school kid somewhere googling to find a paper he can steal on HIS favorite vacation, that was of course written by someone else. It made me laugh. Wonder what he thought when he pulled up pictures of my kids instead. Hee hee. Served you right, cheater.

"Who said you get them piping hot after 4 a.m." I don't even want to know what someone is looking to get piping hot after 4 a.m. All I know for sure is that Satan comes out after midnight. The Sunday School teachers told me. And I believe them.

"Least favorite thing about a bathroom." I can safely say that just BEING in the bathroom is my least favorite thing about a bathroom. But maybe that's just me. Maybe there are people who enjoy spending a lot of time there and have favorite things about the experience. Daniel? This one seems right up your alley. Do share. Actually, don't. Never mind.

"Is it possible that I'm not as attractive as I think I am?" Yes. It's not only possible, but it's a fact. You ARE ugly. Accept it, as I have, and move on.

"Hannah's world." I live in Hannah's world and I'm always looking for ways to get out of it. It's not very fun to be bossed around by a five-year-old that thinks one should always wear pink lace dresses and tiaras when out-and-about on the town. Even if one is almost 34.

"Scrapbook divorced dads." Yes, a scrapbook about divorced dads would indeed be a treasure. Provocraft - here's a new angle you might have missed in the scrapbooking product line.

"Things to do with your kids on a Sunday afternoon." How about declaring martial law, sticking them in front of a movie, and taking a four-hour nap? It ALWAYS works out well for me. I even find it useful on other days of the week. Like Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And Wednesdays and Friday, too.

And my absolute favorite (which, oddly, has come up several different times) is:

"Martha Stewart naked."

Yes. Really.

Help me understand, internets, why ANYONE on god's green earth would want to see M.S. naked? Seriously? I guess there's all kinds out there.

And now they've been led to me. Awesome.