The other night, the Husband and I were catching up after a long day for both of us. Work has been particularly hard lately for him and his firm is facing some challenges that make his work life tough. It will ultimately be a good thing in the end, but the process is painful and exhausting. He comes home at the end of the week just tired. His travel schedule still keeps him from home most weeks, and the added stress of these challenges weigh heavily on his mind.
The kids have had a particularly rough few months, as well. They've been bombarded with grown up problems that are both complex and unfair. Life lessons thrown at them, one after the other, without reprieve -- friends, coaches, injuries, loneliness, rejection, disappointment, pain. They've battled their challenges as best they can, but we've all succumbed to tears more frequently than we'd have liked.
I've had my own share of hard. Struggles in my marriage. Problems in the group I serve with at church. Worry over my children. Depression and anxiety have slowly crept up on me over the last few years, but became so crippling this summer that I was finally forced to seek medical intervention. I've carried the weight of our family's struggles, and strived hard to juggle more balls than I could manage at one time. The unhappiness of my people hurts me to my core, and I've laid awake at night with worry and fear.
The world on our shoulders has been a strain to hold up, and we've been brought to our knees, trembling, with the weight of it.
Life has just taken its toll. I'm tired of hard. I'm tired of struggle. Things have been taxing for a while, and I'm just over it.
I am life weary.
I know from the outside looking in, it might seem like we have it all. Financial security. A vacation house in the mountains. Money to travel and buy nice things. Three healthy children all involved in various activities and sports. A handsome husband. A stay-at-home wife. We do have a lot going for us, blessings I will be eternally grateful for. But that does not mean our life has been free of heartache, pain, and sorrow.
There are just things that the smiles on instagram don't tell you.
I know we will get through this current state of hard. I know we will grow and learn from these trials. We have chosen to draw closer to each other and our faith, and we will get through them together. We will not be broken by what's currently weighing us down.
A brilliant young woman I know recently said, "In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shape you."
But I still kind of hate the hard.