My obituary

I have a morbid fascination with reading the obituaries in the paper.  I read them every day online from the paper in the town that I grew up in.  Most of the time, I don't know the people in them.  Once in a great while, I do.

I think what I like about them is the story told of someone's life.  My favorites are the long, sassy ones.  The ones where the person really lived, and sucked the marrow from life.  Made the most of what they were given.

So, I decided to write one of my own.  My obituary as I'd like it to read upon my death.  In about 50 years or so (I hope).  And definitely as ridiculous as I can make it.

1973 - 2065

Christie Halverson, 92, passed away peacefully in her sleep, coincidentally, at the exact same moment as her husband, Josh.  They were spending time at their beach home on Oahu, enjoyed a day of snorkeling and shaved ice, watched the sunset in each other's arms, then went to bed.  Eternally.  

They are survived by their three children:  McKay, 67; Chase, 65; and Hannah, 63.  They are the proud grandparents of 15 grandchildren, and 8 great-grand children.

Christie was born in November 1973 in Salt Lake City, Utah.  She married the love of her life in 1994, and they had three beautiful children together.  Their oldest, McKay, graduated high school with honors, went to BYU, and then Harvard Medical School, where he is currently teaching.  He pioneered technology that led to the cure of cancer.  He was awarded the Nobel Prize in 2035.

Their son, Chase, attended BYU, then West Point, and pursued a career in the military.  He was an Army Ranger and part of the elite team that took down the communists in North Korea and China.  He was also awarded the Medal of Honor for brokering a lasting peace in the Middle East.  He is currently running for president, and is favored to win the election.

Their youngest, Hannah, went to BYU and then Cornell University, where she got a PhD in literature and eventually became a best-selling author and talk show host.  She single-handedly changed the way women are viewed in the workplace, and as a result, equality is now the standard.   Her books have become world-wide bestsellers, and she won an Academy Award for the screenplay adaptation of her mother's biography.

Christie loved to travel.  She visited every continent in her lifetime, and had homes in Paris, New York City, Hawaii, and the mountains of Utah.  She loved broadway musicals. So much so, that she had season tickets for the last 50 years of her life.  She never missed a show.  She was awarded an honorary Tony by the grateful broadway community for her support through the years.

She was active until the very end.  She biked, skied, hiked, swam, and snorkeled, right up until her passing.  She had seemingly boundless energy and made time every day for a nap and a good book.

She had very few health problems throughout her life and a surprisingly low cholesterol number.  In fact, she was the first American to suddenly have her DNA transform into a new, rare mutation that allowed her to eat whatever she wanted and never gain weight.  This phenomenon became known as the "Christie Syndrome" and millions around the world have been blessed by her contribution to science.  The "Christie Pill" was developed shortly after this discovery, and women worldwide have adopted this as the new standard in pharmaceuticals.  Fortunately, her husband had the wisdom to invest early on in the new drug, and they were able to profit considerably from it.  Forbes named them the "Richest People Alive" in 2023.

Christie was a pioneer of fashion, as well.  She dressed stylishly up until the moment of her death.  Designers and paparazzi alike hounded the simple girl, and took cues for fashion trends from her looks.  She was a svelte size 4 for most of her life.  And had great skin.

Christie gave millions each year to charity, and served others tirelessly until her death.  She was beloved by all who knew her.  Her humor was her best quality, and friends say they will miss her laughter most of all.  She smiled every day.  She sucked the marrow from life and made others happy just by being around her.  She spent time with her family as often as she could.  They were her favorite people on the planet.  She will be greatly missed.

Christie's last request was that she be cremated and scattered over her favorite beach at her home in Hawaii.  To remember her properly, her family will raise a McDonald's diet coke in her honor, and wash it down with a big, pink frosted sugar cookie.


Sounds pretty good, eh?  I think so.  Now where's that "Christie Syndrome" when I need it?  Should be hitting me anytime now...