Not trying very hard to clear his name

A conversation:

Me: Could it POSSIBLY be zippered into one of the sofa cushions?

Him: Hmm? Oh, are you still looking for that remote?

Me: You had it last; you have to help me find it. Will you help me open the sleeper sofa again and look?

Him: I don't miss the remote. I'm kind of glad we haven't been able to find it. It's nice not having t.v.

Me: Do you want to live to see your grandchildren?

Him: Okay, I'll lift it up again, you look.

Me: What about in our room? Did you take the remote in there on Wednesday? [when it was last seen]

Him: I don't know. How much longer do we have to look for this thing?

Me: What about in the mattress - could it have gotten shoved in there?

Him: I don't see how that could have happened. I mean, isn't that the place most men hide their magazines?

Me: [A sizzling glare...] What else did you do that night? Think - recreate the night in your mind. Did you go to the bathroom and accidentally flush it, and you're just not telling me because you're embarrassed?

Him: No, I would have laughed really hard if that happened.

Me: [More glares]. What about snacks? Did you eat anything while I was gone on Wednesday? Maybe you took it down to the kitchen.

Him: Maybe. Ooh, I'm kind of hungry now that you mention it. Is there any more of that trail mix left?

Me: Oh, YOU WILL NOT BE EATING ANYTHING until we find this stupid remote.

Him: You know, I did have my computer out. Maybe it fell into my work bag.

Me: [30 seconds later, I'm looking in his bag and I find the damn remote] YOU ARE SO RETARDED. Have you not looked in here the last three days?

Him: Yeah, I kind of had to shove my computer down in there the last few days. Guess that was it.

Me: You guess that was it? Oh, you are so not watching any C-SPAN tonight.

Him: Sure, fine, whatever. Now how about that trail mix, woman?

My only consolation is that at least I get the ten dollars. And some new Grey's Anatomy.