Channeling your inner Stie

I have decided that if I can't be thin, then all my friends should be fat. So to help you along with your new quest, here is THE BEST oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe. Ever. I dare you to find me a better, more moist, and chewy cookie than this one. You won't.
Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup shortening (do not use butter, shortening is best. Probably because it's so chock full of lard)
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
2 cups oatmeal
2 cups choclate chips

Combine shortening, both sugars, eggs, and vanilla. Beat until fluffy. Add flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Combine. Add oatmeal. Stir in chocolate chips by hand. (I like to mix it up and add a bag of Skor's milk chocolate toffee chips instead of the chocolate chips. Just delicious).

When all the ingredients are combined, be sure to take a little like this:

And put it here:

Repeat eight times, minimum. Make another batch, if you must, to hide your sin.

Spoon balls of dough onto an ungreased cookie sheet. With the palm of your hand, flatten the dough balls slightly.
Bake at 350 for 7 minutes and 33 seconds. Do not question my inner-OCD on this. It is a tested time. Seven minutes, 33 seconds. No more, no less.

Pull from the oven and cool on a rack.

Now I'll be honest here, friends. I actually prefer the dough to the cookies. Although they are spectacular cookies, by the time they come out of the oven, I am usually sick to my stomach from all the dough I ate. But give me a few hours and I'll be ready for one of these babies with a tall glass of milk.

Now make and eat these a hundred times. Send your husband out of town every night and essentially you are me.

Nice, isn't it?